This last week was tough. Lot’s of tears, especially at work. As you all know, I get to the office at about 4:20-4:30am so I’m the only one there for the first couple of hours. Being there, in the quiet pre-dawn hours right outside my bosses now unoccupied office is really hard. Then there were the meetings talking about him and the loss. Having to see usually stoic and strong men break down because of his passing was even more difficult. Then the bad work news started coming in.

Our office is now going to be under an ineffective boob who doesn’t know up from down. Everyone is aware of this, so the change was unexpected. He asked me to lunch next week (it was in the subject line of an empty email…that’s a pet peeve of mine), but I met with him in his office instead. “Hey! You don’t have to buy me lunch, what’s up?”. (Btw- dude sent the email from his phone, even though he was in the office with his computer on and email up, WHAT??).

I think a little background here would help. I was hired to work with three different people, I ended up helping my boss because I just happened to get along with him really well and I sat within shouting distance. I was happy to do it. For him. I think some people believe I had a different role than I really did and I’m worried it’s going to be expected with the new guy. I was hired for account/client work, not the extra executive and recruiting stuff I was doing. I would happily give up all the extra meetings and work.

So, I went to new manager dudes office (to get out of the lunch). When I met with him, I started to get a familiar feeling I haven’t had since I worked with that abusive boss years ago. He wouldn’t look me in the eye, asked me questions but discounted my responses, asked me to do things I told him I didn’t think I could do. My Fitbit heart monitor started going crazy. My blood pressure and heart rate are usually very low, so that never happens. If he was situationally aware, he would have noticed it flashing and heard the buzzing, but he didn’t. He just looked off to the side of my head and said “so go ahead and email me those numbers”. Fuck me. By the way, this guy saw all of us crying at the passing and and when it was asked if anyone had anything to say, he actually said in two different meetings “I didn’t really know the guy, but it looks like from all of you he was a good guy”. WTF??!!?? Men and women were BAWLING and you say that??? You worked with him for almost three years! Maybe if you came into the office or picked up a phone, you would have known him. 

Then I went back to my desk and a co-worker came to me and out of the blue asked if I knew my ex-boss (the monster). He knew I did, but forgot. Now, I don’t badmouth people to just anyone, our business is a small community and word gets around if you talk shit to just anyone, so I made a few vanilla comments and tried to change the subject. Then he says he could call him and go to lunch at any time. He talked about how he’s a good friend and how he really pushed for him to get hired before they hired the other guy. Inside I freaked out. I started shaking. I normally consider myself pretty strong, but I’m not right now. I lost my friend, mentor and to some extent, protector and now this?

My anxiety level is at a point I haven’t felt for 9 years. I don’t know if I can do this. I love my job so much. Our clients, my co-workers, my crazy hours, all of it. These changes are ruining all of that.

Add to all that stuff, it was suggested I reach out to my bosses widow. I’m happy to do it, but the day I was asked was the day my cards were delivered to her and the family, so I thought it would seem weird. I always had a good relationship with her, so it wasn’t like I was some stranger, but still. Another day would have been better. Luckily, I got her voicemail and left a message. She reached back out to me on Friday and just broke my heart all over again. After texting back and forth a bit, we left it that we would call each other if we needed a shoulder to cry on. The funeral isn’t until the end of September, that’s a long way off.

I’ve talked with a couple of folks on my team and they’re going to try to run interference for me. I’ve also reached out to another manager that has had to assume some of the things my boss used to do and offered to help him out since I’m familiar with protocol and the candidates he’s now working with. He’s a kind person who was very close to my boss and I’m hoping if I’m helping him, they won’t have me help the new guy. Hopefully this doesn’t blow up in my face.

Things have to get better. I don’t want to quit.

Today was a bad day. One of my favorite people on the planet, my boss, passed away. He was only about 3-4 years older than me and he was just the best.

Besides being fun, fair, generous, smart & balls to the wall loyal, he was just a good guy. True story- I had a boss at another firm that was chronically abusive to me and when he found out what happened to me on a regular basis (I’ll tell that story one day, but not now), he made sure everyone involved in the hiring process knew about it when they applied for a position. I was touched when his boss told me “he told me you fucking hate them and they were abusive and that’s good enough for me. There’s no way I would consider them”. In all honesty, I would have quit had they looked at or hired them. I’m still dealing with the psychological fallout of working with them between 2009-2014. My amazing boss saw that and built me up and valued me and what I do and I will forever be grateful.

I don’t want to go into his health challenges, but I will say this: on top of other challenges he had the last couple of years “Covid is still an issue. Long Covid is real.  Pneumonia is serious. If you feel sick, go to the doctor. You’re not as tough as you think”. I begged this man multiple times, as did others, to go to the doctor, but he was fine and didn’t have time, now I’ve lost a friend, a boss and a role model.

I’m tired of crying, I feel for his family (he and his wife were high school sweethearts) I’m scared for the future and I miss him a lot already. 

Times like this make me wish I subscribed to a religion. He was catholic, maybe I’ll go light a candle for him. It’s been decades since I was in my old church, but I’ll make an exception for him.

If you don’t feel well, please go to the doctor. I don’t want to lose more friends. 

I’m so sad you guys. 2023 has been an awful year, full of heartache and loss due to death. I hope there is some light and love to heal my heart in my future. I’m sick of crying.

It’s been a minute since I posted an update, so I figured I’d check-in.  

Stuart (Mac) and Matches went through a rocky patch, but soon became the best of friends who just happen to beat the shit out of each other on the regular. They rough house and play, which makes me happy. I’m not sure about Matches’s house name. He hasn’t responded to anything I’ve tried. Bats, Bruce, Kitten…right now I call him Poopy. He doesn’t listen either way and it makes me laugh. 😂

My vet said his health is okay despite being too young to have been neutered. I was worries, he’s got such a big head with huge bat ears, but also a tiny face. He’s cute though! And fat! After struggling for so long to get Gotham to eat (and failing), I think I’ve been overcompensating with the two kittens. I think he’s a little behind on his milestones, but he’ll get there! He’s 4 months old now and while he’s an epic climber, he doesn’t jump up on high surfaces yet. I guess that’s both good and bad. He steals food like crazy so I can still feed Mac up high and know he won’t get bullied out of his food as the kitten can’t get up there.

Work has been really busy the last few months. One of the people I work with has decided to form a new group with another team, so I sort of went with them, but also stayed on my other team. The timing was a little problematic, but we’re getting through it. New name, logo, announcements and worst of all…photos. BAH!!! I got out of taking them each and every time, until now. Group photos AND headshots! 😳

Now, I told y’all that my hairdresser spent the better part of the last 5 years trying to convince me to become a blonde and I finally gave in last year. We’ve been taking the process slowly; coloring the brown parts a little lighter brown and adding to my existing highlights each time I went in. Well, we had a big appointment at the end of May where we got rid of a bunch of brown and, as we expected, my hair looked terrible, lol! We planned for that and I was prepared to nut it out until my next appt in July. Then they decided to move our photoshoot up 3 weeks! WTH???? It’s bad enough my suitable dresses didn’t fit, now my hair was going to look like shit? Wonderful! Luckily, I found a great dress on July 4th and they finally landed on a picture day that was right after my next hair appointment! Phew!! Bonus points that the dress went perfectly with a vintage coat I already owned! 

The hair appointment before the photos took all the brown out so I was totally blonde when I walked out. It took over dix hours! The sides, where the hair had been colored brown longest) didn’t come up all the way, but it’s blonde. Just a bit darker than we wanted. I still have one or two hair appointments to go before the color is as light a blonde as we planned on. She’s going for platinum! I’m able to style so you don’t really notice the differences though 

It’s weird, I’ve always related very strongly to being a brunette, even when I was a redhead! I was only blonde once, way back when I was maybe 24/25 and it didn’t look right to me, so I changed it. I have to say, my hairdresser is much more talented than the gal who did it way back then, lol!!

I had a birthday since my last post, pretty much a non-event though. Saw a couple of movies, which I’ve been forcing myself to do occasionally. I used to go maybe once a year and I think I’ve seen three so far this year and I have tickets to see Oppenheimer at my fancy movie theater on the 22nd! I wanted to see Barbie (don’t laugh!), but the showings were sold out. I’ve been looking forward to Oppenheimer since it was announced they were making it though, so I’m glad I could get tickets!

Like I mentioned earlier, work is crazy. I’m busier than ever, but I’m coming up to maybe a little respite for a couple weeks. It will be nice to catch my breath! One weird thing, a gal at work up and retired with no notice. It’s kind of a relief, but a shock. It’s really for the best though, she was unhappy with her commute and stuff and we felt it whenever she came in. She told us the last day she was in the office. BOOM! I’m retiring, here’s a gift, I’ll miss you, no I don’t want a party or lunch. Okay!

Weather is heating up again, BOO! I loved the months of clouds, cool temps and rain we had this year.   Being that I’m an old lady now, I got a neck fan to combat the heat, lol!! I love it! It looks like I have headphones around my neck! I also got, now don’t laugh, but I got a Mrs. Roper caftan (look it up) on Prime Day. OMG, it’s the best! I won’t be wearing it out of the house, but it’s so great! Light, flowy and cool. I feel like I’m a femme fatale in an early episode of Columbo walking around my apartment. 😄 

Well, it’s Saturday and I have chores to do, kittens to cuddle and air flow to manage so I can try to keep this place cool.

Finally, it happened.  I just got home a little while ago from adopting a black kitten. I’ve been really discouraged b/c I haven’t seen any at the shelter. I wanted one born after Gotham’s passing, so I was looking for a kitten about 10–12 weeks. I was kind of horrified to see one listed that was 6 weeks old and neutered today (WTF???) and made sure I did my best to get him. I have an appointment with my vet next Wednesday to get him checked out and make sure no damage was done. Poor thing is only 1.6lbs!!! How can you neuter something so young and small??? I just had to give him a good home.

So far Stuart isn’t sure what’s going on, but he knows he doesn’t like it (maybe now he knows how Gotham felt when he barged in?). They haven’t met yet, I secreted the kitten into the same small room Stuart started out in. I put down wet kitten food, dry kitten food and water. I looked at my litter boxes and thought “No way. There’s just no way he can get in that”. I ended up grabbing a shoe box lid and putting litter in it hoping it will work.

I’m guessing he doesn’t feel good from being neutered today and coming to a new home….so he’s hiding in his room somewhere and I can’t find him. I saw what looked like foot prints in the litter when I peeped in earlier, so I know he’s in there and ok (so far).

So, what is his name? Well, I know I can’t top Gotham as far as a badass name goes, but I wanted to stay in the Bat Family. I didn’t want to go with something obvious, so I landed on “Matches Malone”. I may call him “Bats” for short, but we’ll see.

Wish me luck in a) Finding him, b) making sure he’s happy and healthy and c) getting him acquainted with Stuart so they can be best friends.

Happy Thursday Everyone!

I’m not sure what it is about this weekend (Easter), but I usually enjoy it. I’m not religious by any means and for sure don’t go to church or celebrate, but there is just something about about it that’s peaceful. For some reason, Good Friday is always a work holiday, so if the weather is nice, as it is today, I get to throw open all the windows, air out the house and really get the feel of springtime in here.  It’s time to change it up a bit around the house. Rearrange furniture, change out my candles to different scents, bring out the springtime patterned sheets, hang some pictures….

I looked at couches last weekend and narrowed my picks down to about 5. I just can’t seem to pull the trigger. I need to measure my doorways to make sure whichever one I choose can be delivered properly. By the way, when did sofas get so expensive???  Next, I’ll need to look at fridges. 😳

I’m hoping to take another carload of donations over tomorrow morning and I’m still checking the Humane Society website constantly for a male black shorthair cat, but other than that, it’s just a regular weekend of chores, with maybe some cleaning out of cupboards thrown in. 

Oh, yeah…and pizza. I usually only eat it twice a year or so and one of those times is often either yesterday or today! I didn’t have it yesterday, so I may place an order and walk over to pick it up later today. I love pizza and could eat it all the time, but I don’t want to ever get tired of it (or ruin my health) so a couple times a year is good. Unless someone is here wants it of course. I’m not going to say no if someone else wants it, lol.

I still miss my handsome Gotham so much, it’s gotten a little easier, but I still feel that void. The kitten, while adorable, is a jerk! He sometimes comes up to me very slowly, lifts his paw up (again, verrrrry slowly) and hits me hard across the face and runs away! He’ll bite my hand while playing and then slap me a bunch of times if I snatch it back. He’s a menace, lol! I’m amazed how flexible and acrobatic he is. He launches himself all over the place while playing with his toys, tumbling backwards, forwards, sideways..arms and legs splayed wide like Spiderman. It’s hysterical.

More later.

Happy Birthday CBLMW, I know your future is bright and I hope all your wishes come true. This next year will be a truly amazing year for you, I can feel it.

I have to admit it, aside from the state of the world, the economy, work, etc., personal life-wise, 2023 has been a really challenging year for me. Having to make the end of life decision for Gotham has affected me so much more than I ever thought it would (I’m the one with a heart of ice, remember? LOL!). Because of the acute sense of guilt I feel, I’m always aware of an underlying low grade sadness present within me at all times. The random every day crying has stopped though, which is good. I still find myself crying every once in a while but it’s no longer hampering my every day life. I’ve been told it’s normal to go through this, especially when you’ve had a pet/companion for as long as I did. 16 1/2 years with the most perfect sassy asshole cat is a long time. I miss him so much.

The kitten I adopted in December, hoping to rejuvenate Gotham a little (didn’t work, he fucking hated him) and to help get me through losing him when the time came, has been a mixed bag. I took the advice other people gave me and didn’t get a black kitten, I got a precious short-haired tabby cat with the biggest eyes and ears I’ve ever seen and loudest purrs I’ve ever heard.  I don’t know if it’s a result of my grief, but I don’t **love** him yet. I **like** him very much, but I don’t love him. He’s just such a different personality. This cat doesn’t really talk to me, bump heads or nuzzle. He does however get into everything! Cupboards, sinks, toilets, boxes, drawers….everything.  He’s also either full speed racing around knocking things over (or pulling living room curtains down! He also climbs up my pants leg while I’m wearing them!) or he’s dead asleep, exhausted from all the chaos he’s caused.  I’m about to change his name to Conan The Destroyer, LOL! He is also weirdly obsessed with the toilet, whether you’re using it or not!

I’ve made a point of giving the Master of Destruction lots of affection and love, even if my heart isn’t totally into it, it’s not his fault my heart is still mending. He’s helping get me through this and I’m grateful. Plus, he’s just so adorable.  

I’ve read that having 2 cats will help calm rambunctious cats down and I really miss having a black cat, so I’m going to start looking at black shelter kittens starting 3/23.  I know whichever kitten chooses me won’t be the same as Gotham, but it will be nice to have another mini panther around the house….and someone to calm the kitten the fuck down!

Well, it’s another rainy Saturday, so we’re going to hang out around the house and ignore all the chores that need to get done!