I have to admit it, aside from the state of the world, the economy, work, etc., personal life-wise, 2023 has been a really challenging year for me. Having to make the end of life decision for Gotham has affected me so much more than I ever thought it would (I’m the one with a heart of ice, remember? LOL!). Because of the acute sense of guilt I feel, I’m always aware of an underlying low grade sadness present within me at all times. The random every day crying has stopped though, which is good. I still find myself crying every once in a while but it’s no longer hampering my every day life. I’ve been told it’s normal to go through this, especially when you’ve had a pet/companion for as long as I did. 16 1/2 years with the most perfect sassy asshole cat is a long time. I miss him so much.

The kitten I adopted in December, hoping to rejuvenate Gotham a little (didn’t work, he fucking hated him) and to help get me through losing him when the time came, has been a mixed bag. I took the advice other people gave me and didn’t get a black kitten, I got a precious short-haired tabby cat with the biggest eyes and ears I’ve ever seen and loudest purrs I’ve ever heard.  I don’t know if it’s a result of my grief, but I don’t **love** him yet. I **like** him very much, but I don’t love him. He’s just such a different personality. This cat doesn’t really talk to me, bump heads or nuzzle. He does however get into everything! Cupboards, sinks, toilets, boxes, drawers….everything.  He’s also either full speed racing around knocking things over (or pulling living room curtains down! He also climbs up my pants leg while I’m wearing them!) or he’s dead asleep, exhausted from all the chaos he’s caused.  I’m about to change his name to Conan The Destroyer, LOL! He is also weirdly obsessed with the toilet, whether you’re using it or not!

I’ve made a point of giving the Master of Destruction lots of affection and love, even if my heart isn’t totally into it, it’s not his fault my heart is still mending. He’s helping get me through this and I’m grateful. Plus, he’s just so adorable.  

I’ve read that having 2 cats will help calm rambunctious cats down and I really miss having a black cat, so I’m going to start looking at black shelter kittens starting 3/23.  I know whichever kitten chooses me won’t be the same as Gotham, but it will be nice to have another mini panther around the house….and someone to calm the kitten the fuck down!

Well, it’s another rainy Saturday, so we’re going to hang out around the house and ignore all the chores that need to get done!

Well, it’s been 3 days and it hasn’t gotten any easier. I’m pretty much a mess, crying at random things. Going to work helps distract me a little, but I still come home to the memories. Oddly, the responsibility of having the kitten keeps me going. Having to feed him and clean the cat box has been something to drive me forward. There’s no one else to do it. He doesn’t know what’s going on, he only lived with Gotham for about 5-6 weeks. Luckily, not a lot of people have been in the office this week, I’ve been a hot mess. Between the crying, minimal make up, wrinkled clothes and hair scraped back into a ponytail… I’ve been fortunate that the folks who have been there are animal lovers and understand and give me random hugs during the day when I need it. Right now I’m looking for a lockable wooden box to put him cremains and favorite toys, collar, etc. into once I get the word the cremains are ready to be picked-up. I’d like to also get the top engraved or have a nice metal plate engraved and attached to it. I’ve decided that I will be getting another black cat in a couple of months. I know it sounds silly, but just in case spirits do exist, I’m going to wait for one to find me that was born on or after 1/23/23. There will never be a companion like Gotham. It’s still raw and hurts so much. I’m reading books to help. One day at a time, right?

I knew this day was coming. Gotham is gone. 1.23.2023. Almost 16 1/2 years old. Just got home from the vet and I am utterly broken. Decimated. Destroyed. I can’t stop crying. The kitten doesn’t know what’s going on, so he’s no comfort. He’s chewing on cords. 

I loved Gotham so much. It’s hard to understand if you’ve never had a pet you were as connected to as I was to him. Part of me is gone.  He just wasn’t getting better and was skin and bones. I tried everything, but his kidneys were done.

Taking tomorrow off work. I’m in no shape to go in, but I don’t know what to do with myself either.

To say I’m going to miss him seems inadequate. Again, I loved that cat more than anything.

I’m just broken and sad. 

Well, I had to cancel my usual trip to visit my folks for Christmas. 

Unfortunately, the vet gave me the news I was expecting, but just not this soon, Gotham’s kidney issues have gotten markedly worse and he found a mass on his lower left tummy area. I asked him if we were looking at a couple of years and he said “weeks, months max”. I’d taken him in as the appetite stimulant was finished and he’d stopped eating again. Well, he ate, but only a few bites. He gave me some steroid pills to give him and asked that I come back in 2 weeks. We went back and he’d made some improvement, but not much.

We decided to give him a steroid injection instead of the pills and I went home. Everything seemed fine until I got home the next night. I walked in the door and he took a while coming to where I was. When he finally came in the room, he looked weird. His head was crooked and was walking oddly. He looked at me, but looked blank. He managed to get on the bed and laid down, but looked really flat and wasn’t breathing much and didn’t raise his head. I put some treats dow, but he ignored them. I thought I was losing him. I spent a couple of hours telling him what a good boy he is and he could go now.

After a while, I guess he heard a noise and lifted his head. I pushed a treat towards him and he ate it. Then he stood up and ate the whole pile of treats. Slowly he started to get back to normal. I don’t know if he was having a reaction to the injection or a seizure or stroke or what. What I decided at that moment is, if he starts failing like that, I’m going to keep him at home where he is comfortable and loved.

I’ve had this silly cat for 16 years and he’s just the best. Going to the vet really agitates him and makes him so unhappy. I wish he would eat more though.

Now, I’m aware time is short. I don’t want to deal with losing him in an empty house….so I adopted an 8-week old kitten. And Gotham fucking hates him! In fact, I think the hatred is what’s keeping him alive. So far I’ve kept them separate, apart from trying to introduce them last Sunday. It resulted in a guttural growl and hissing from Gotham, lol! The kitten is MAYBE 2lbs!!! So scary! I’ll try again this weekend. I got him a week ago today and the papers said to wait a week to introduce them anyway.

This kitten is a teeny, tiny monster! His micro-poops and pees smell worse than anything that ever came out of Gotham, lol! I have him closed off in the sun room and it constantly sounds like he’s tearing the joint apart! He is literally the size of my palms! I noticed him eyeing the curtains and just bought nail clippers. He’s very sweet though.

Anyway, I didn’t feel like I could leave for a trip. Plus, we moved our office to the new location last week and some clients have waited until the last minute to get me year-end paperwork. I guess I’ll see my parents in either January or February. Probably January. I have a short business trip in February and I may take a couple of days off beforehand.

Who knows?

I love this darn cat so much (he’s right here). Christmas here at home will be fine! I can’t believe it’s supposed to be 81F though!!!

Enjoy your weekend everyone. Darn! I forgot the Christmas roast in the work fridge! I’ll get it tomorrow morning. It’s a better fridge than mine anyway.

Taking a shower earlier I had music on shuffle and a song came on a that made me remember how much fun it is to sing Amy Winehouse’s “Valerie” (feat. Mark Ronson 2007) at the top of my lungs. Don’t get me wrong, I have a TERRIBLE singing voice, but there’s something about that song. I hope my neighbors couldn’t hear me, lol!!!

That song lead me to an hour of Two Tone ska. The rude girl of my past is still in there somewhere!

Sooo, apparently I’m going to be a blonde! My hairdresser has been trying to convince me to do it for a few years now  and I just kept saying no. I was a blonde once in my mid-20’s and it didn’t work out too well. My hair grows really fast so the roots were always there and the blonde looked really brassy and bad.

She emphasized: hair colors are much better now, the gal who did it back in the day didn’t really have a lot of experience and most of my roots aren’t coming in brunette any more (compared to back then). I visibly flinched when she said that about my roots! HAHAHA! She’s got an idea in her head about the best shade for me and has a plan. That’s what finally sold me, besides the fact I was tired of saying no. She. Has. A. Plan.

I’ve been coloring my hair dark brown for the most part since I was 17 (I was a redhead for a few years too!) then with highlights for about 6 years now (I also did it back in the 90’s, I’m so old!) so we’re partially there. She’s lightening the brown more and more each month and adding more blonde. I think she said I’ll be totally blonde by February or March. Like I keep saying, she has a plan. It’s scary though! I’ve always been a proud brunette!

I think I need to change something about my appearance. Something that can be controlled. So much in life is out of our control, like…

So we found out our office is moving in the first week and a half of December. End of year is our most stressful time, so it isn’t going to be easy. Luckily, my folks are as awesome as they are and gave me the option to celebrate the holidays with them in January if it’s just too crazy. I may take them up on that! Actually, we’ll be moving twice; once to a temporary spot at the new address, then again once they build out our new offices. I should be excited, but the new office is going to be really close to my house. I mean REALLY close. Like a 15 minute walk/ 2 minute drive. I’m weird in that I don’t like living that close to where I work. You always feel like you’re at work when it’s that close! Plus, I can’t take advantage of walking because my hours are so early. No way I’m walking to work at 4:15am! Oh well, I guess I can always move.

After months of failing at getting my cat to eat every day, I broke down last week and asked the vet if he could prescribe an appetite stimulant for my handsome boy. I tried everything I could think of and he would only eat sporadically. So far, the pills seem to be working. Only thing is, he keeps barfing on my living room area rug. The CREAM colored area rug. Luckily, I have a small carpet cleaner! It’s only been four days, but I think he looks better. I got 14 days worth of medication, so I’m hopeful we’ll be in a better place weight-wise when we’re done! It’s been heartbreaking watching him not eat, so I’m thrilled to see him clean his bowl.

I felt like I needed some sparkle in my life, so I put up the Christmas tree a bit early this year and did it yesterday. I usually wait until the weekend after Thanksgiving or do it December 1st. I really like sitting in the living room looking at the tree. It gives everything a nice glow.

My apartment is a disaster zone, lol! Boxes with decorations dragged out and strewn about. Furniture shoved aside. I’ll have it nice by the end of this next weekend…I hope!

If I don’t add another post Happy Thanksgiving, if you celebrate. If you don’t, have a great week!!!! I’ll try to take a picture of the tree for my next post.

Well, I took today off work. This has been a really stressful and busy year!  So far I’ve only been able to take, I think, one vacation day so far (and I still logged in from home and worked!).  I’m sure one day isn’t going to be enough, but it’s all I can do in the short term. I have to report for jury duty again in a couple of weeks and that’s supposed to be for a long case (they separated out everyone whose employers covered 27+ days when I reported in September and told us we had to come back in October). So, with other vacations scheduled and preparing to only be in the office sporadically if I get picked for the jury, I can’t see me being able to take time off before Nov/Dec.

I can’t believe it’s already October! 

So what are my grand plans for this “free” day? Absolutely nothing. I managed to clear off and dust my nightstand, and I have plans to do the other one but I don’t know if I’ll actually get that done. I’m thinking about going down the street and getting a pedicure as I haven’t had one since before the pandemic but I’m not sure I actually want leave the house. I might just stay in and watch “Confess Fletch”. I bought it when it was released a couple weeks (?) ago, but haven’t watched it yet.

I’m so glad to be out of the office today, the dynamic there has changed a little bit lately. We have a new employee that transferred in who is best described as a “psychic vampire”. No one likes them. I keep having to give my speech about giving people a chance to settle in and get comfortable before deciding you don’t like them. Welllll, they’re awful.  Every time they come into the room they bring everybody down. Seriously! It seems like nothing is ever good enough because they did it better where they were at before, but the thing is no one liked them where they were at before (hence the transfer to our office) and this person always complained about everything where they were at before, so I don’t know. I’m just glad that I’m at completely the opposite end of the office and we rarely have any interaction. But whenever I do, they have a pretty bad habit of making me feel “less than“. Does that make sense? For instance, my boss and I have a routine in the afternoon when we leave. It’s nothing big, just something we do. One day, he wanted to leave earlier than usual and I couldn’t as I had a meeting. The vampire happened to be near us for some reason, overheard and jumped in to do what I usually do. It was weird, I mean I didn’t say I wouldn’t do it, just I couldn’t leave for the day. Then they started showing up every day when he and I normally left, doing my thing for me and purposefully making me feel like I was intruding and a 3rd wheel. Jeez, if they want to do it, fine! I can wait 5 mins and leave later without having the hassle of helping! They didn’t even go home, they went back up to their desk. They did the same thing to another co-worker when I was helping another office in another city and this co-worker went to a restaurant to pick up an order for him to take home to his family (my boss has mobility issues). They went over, got the order and went to take it with him to his car and at the elevator, the vampire made a big show of saying “thank you sooo much, I’ve got it now”, taking the dinner from her and basically dismissing her to go back up to the office. THAT did not go over well.  Oh yeah, they also called a co-worker a slut. Now, if you know someone well and are friends, it might be okay if you are joking, but they don’t know her like that and wasn’t kidding and the co-worker was pissed (plus, she’s not a slut, lol!). There are so many instances of their bad behavior!

Most recently, yesterday there were only three of us in the office other than this person. So there was really nobody to handle the day-to-day boring stuff that takes place so all of us had to chip in and process the mail, deposits, etc. It was no big deal, we’re a team, so we all help out. I didn’t know this person was even in yesterday so I went to the other employees I knew were there and asked if they had any outgoing mail as I had one piece to take down to the mail room and as no one did, I said “OK I’m taking my mail down”. About 45 minutes later the vampire comes up to my desk and demanded to know where the outgoing mail goes because they had items to go out. I calmly said I already took it down and they demanded to know what the mail schedule was, where the mail room was, who handles the mail, etc. Now, this person has nothing to do with me or my job, but I’ve been the only person who has treated them kindly and with respect, without exception and didn’t appreciate the tone they were taking. They have offended everyone, but I’ve still been nice. At this point, I’m exhausted from not having taking time off and covering the office when others have been out all year that I’m not having it. I coldly told them I will go back down and put their mail in the bin. They were surprised at my tone, but still started to bitch. I cut them off and said “I. Will. Take. It. Down.” And put out my hand. They gave it to me, muttered “thank you” and scurried away. Look, I could have told them to go to the fucking post office themselves, but it was easier to just do it. Side note: EVERYONE knows I hate taking the mail down. I’m lazy and it’s not on the way out.

The vampire has a good relationship with my boss as they’ve known him through their parents for years. They use this to try to get in between him and all the other employees. This is weird, because honestly, we’re not precious about him. We all have our own relationships with him and he’s just a nice guy and we don’t really care enough to say anything since we are all solid with him no matter what this person does, which I think pisses them off to no end and causes them to act like they are our boss or we report to them. We don’t, but it’s still annoying.

Okay, I just got another tabletop cleared off and dusted! I guess I’ll do the top of my dresser next. Then the hope chest and maybe that other nightstand. Heck, maybe I’ll rearrange the bedroom today. It’s an odd room without a lot of options as far as furniture positioning goes. I have four regular doors and one set of two French doors and one wall that’s just windows. That means most walls either have doors/windows or are too short for the bed or putting the bed there means you can’t open another door. Oddly, it’s a huge room! Such a shame. I’ll figure something out! It’s supposed to be in the 90’s this week, so maybe I’ll leave everything as-is since I have my fans and a/c already set-up for the heat.

I’m rambling!

More later!