I got the confirmation yesterday.  My request to return my SDCC 4-day membership pass was accepted and processed.  I no longer have a pass.  I'm not going for the first time in 12 years.  I find this whole thing terribly sad.

Well, I finally sucked it up and sent an email this morning asking Comic-Con how I go about returning my 4-day pass (that I waited in line for what?  8 hours for last year?).  I hope it's not too complicated, I just want to get it done and over with.  I was up a good portion of the night last night, unable to sleep.  That gave me time to think, why was I procrastinating?  Why don't I just return the damn thing and get it over with?  There's no way that I'm ready to face going and I doubt I will be in July either. 

You know, it was 12 years ago when I had my pivotal "coming out" moment.  I was 30 years-old and finally decided to stop hiding the fact that I loved comic books and superheroes from my friends, family and co-workers.  I'd been keeping it a shameful secret for years and years.  One day I got a postcard in the mail (I have no idea how they got my name and address) that advertised that the passes were now on sale.  Something clicked in my head.  "I'm going to go!".  I went to my first Comic-Con in San Diego a couple months later and I loved it.  I absolutely loved it.  Back then I drove back and forth each day, which was nuts.  It was worth it though.  It felt so nice to be with thousands of people just like me.  People who understand that those stories ARE literature.  They ARE an important part of our culture.  They AREN'T just cartoon pictures and dumb stories.  The talented people who were able to make careers in the comic book industry got so much of my respect.  The writers that managed to come up with fresh, interesting, relevant, topical and important story lines month after month were beyond phenominal to me.  I wish I had that talent!  Then there were artists that managed to make everything look amazing.  To be lucky enough to have that as your career of choice?  Wow.  Everyone behind the scenes, well they did more stuff than I could go into here, but they are just as important.  Maybe more so.

Those days in July turned into the only real vacation time I took off from work each year.  I looked forward to it every July.  "Where would I stay?  I hope I can get in to the Sofia again!"  "Should I take the train or drive down?".  I was confident in my hobby, my passion.  I would start to get excited every year around this time.  I can't describe the feeling.  I would gladly debate anyone who thought it was stupid and just something for little boys.

Look at me now, I've packed up everything related to comics and hid them away so I don't have to look at them.  I haven't read a comic book in months and months and months.  I think my comic book shop finally took me off their list of people with pulls after I failed to show up so many times when I was supposed to come in and buy my books and update my list.  If I'm honest, I'm ashamed to admit to it.

Jeez, what happened to that strong woman?

It's been a while since I've posted (obviously).  Things have been, well to say it mildly, "turbulent" so far this year.  Not as bad as last year (no cancer so far!) , but it's got the potential.   I guess I should have known that 2012 wouldn't be "my" year since it started out with my uncle getting killed.  Not the best news to wake up to in a brand new year, even if I wasn't close to the guy.   I've lost a lot things and people this year, and it's only March.  I really treasure those people who are still in my life.  I may not say it, but I really do.

With such a bad start to 2012, I've tried just about everything I could think of to try and create a fresh start on my own.  I burned sage and took it around my apartment.  (They call that "smudging").  Did you know that stuff smells like weed?  I was told it might, so luckily I told my apartment manager what I was doing so she wouldn't think I was in my pad smoking dope.  Man, my apartment smelled like what I imagine Snoop Dogg's tour bus smells like around 2am.  That stuff reeks!  Seriously.  I had to air the place out and turn on fans to get rid of the smell.  It took days!!!!

I've also started to try Feng Shui.  According to the Bagua map, my relationship quadrant is in my bathroom.  OF COURSE IT IS!  I've had to change it from a 1950's blue and yellow to a 1950's light pink and blue.  Don't get me wrong, I really like the new color scheme, but I liked the old one better.  I'm willing to try anything at this point!  Plus it gives me something to do.  I also changed the colors in the bedroom.  It was kind of on the masculine side before (not really me or my taste at all, but it looked okay and everything matched sea foam green / brown / cream).  During the rains we had a couple months ago my roof leaked in the bedroom, right on the bed and comforter (staining it a rust color), so it was a good excuse to change things up a little.  I femmed it up quite a bit and I really like it.  Kinda "shabby chic" if I were to name the style.  Much more "me" than it was before.  Thank goodness I moved the bed about a foot when I was making the changes because in this last rain the roof leaked again (the repairs didn't take), so no damage to my new bedding.

Don't think I'm crazy (any more than you already do), but ever since I moved in to my apartment, everything has gone to hell.  I mean EVERYTHING.  Health, relationships, finances, friendships, work, everything.  What sucks is, I really like my place, where it's at, plus my neighbors are cool and I don't want to move (I can't really afford to move anyway).  I guess I need to do some more thinking about the situation.  I'm not moving back in with my uncle, that's for sure.   I'm not sure what my options are.  I really don't.  Like I said, I gotta think on it.   I'm not overly superstitious, but with everything that has gone wrong, there has to be another factor in the equation, it's not just me that's doing it.  I just don't know what I'm going to do about it.

What I do know is that I need to return my Comic Con membership one of these days soon.  I don't know why I haven't done it yet.  Conventions and comics aren't a part of my life anymore.  Those were the two things in my life that used to make me so happy and now I don't have them anymore.  It's my own fault and I have no one else to blame, but it still makes me terribly sad.  Maybe one day I'll be able to go back, but I doubt it.  I haven't found anything to replace them yet, but I'll continue looking.  I have almost a physical reaction when I see anything to do with comics.  I feel bad for my friends, I can tell they are walking on eggshells sometimes when they want to talk about new comic-related movies or if we see merchandise out in shops.  Plus, it severely limits the gift options at Christmas and on my birthday.  No more comic stuff.  I packed away every single comic-related item in my apartment.  The Alex Ross prints were the first to go (last February 2011), books are off the shelves, t-shirts are boxed up, action figures, games, paperweights and the Green Lantern bank have all been packed away.  My Christmas tree didn't have a single superhero on it this last year.  It looks so weird.  I've had to fill up the spaces left behind, so now my walls are a hodge podge of pictures and my shelves have some weird reading selections on them.  It's all so depressing.

The really crappy part of losing those two things is, as most of you know, outside of my core friends I'm really shy, painfully so.  The only time I ever  really got out and mingled in a public setting on a regular basis was when I went to conventions or to the comic book store.  I used to go to concerts, but those aren't financially possible anymore, so I have to give those a miss.  I literally have nothing to get me out of my apartment other than going grocery shopping or getting my hair cut.  I hope that if I don't show up to work one day that they'll send someone to my place before my corpse starts to smell!

I went to my last convention for the foreseeable future in February (Doctor Who).  It was one of the hardest things I've had to do in a while.  I tried to put up a front and be happy and fun to be with, but I know I failed miserably and I am truly sorry for that (if my two friends who went are reading this, please know I still feel bad about about being a bummer, I tried, but  I know I failed to be good company).  It was heartbreaking for me to even be there, you have no idea........  At least it's over with. 

I've also still been off Twitter for months and months, other than to post that I posted this blog.  I don't find any joy in it any more.  Weird.

Well, to bring this post back to a positive note, Gotham is doing well.  His face issue reared its ugly head (no pun intended) last week, but we went to the vet and he got his shot and is doing fine.  He lost a pound, so he's down to 13lbs now.  HE'S NOT FAT!  He's long and lean.  All muscle!   Plus, he's still handsome.  I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my handsome little man bugging me all the time.  I asked the vet if every kitten in his litter had the same problem or if I just drew the lucky (and expensive) card.  he said they probably did, but he's sure that Gotham makes up for all the trouble in other ways.  He absolutely does!  I love that damn cat.  I love him so much, I'm going to put his picture in this blog (again).

Another positive thing - I found a new hair dresser.  That's good news, right?  The salon is a 6 minute walk from my apartment.  The gal who does my hair is the owner and is super-nice.  So nice in fact that I let her cut about 4 inches off the length of my hair this past appointment!  It was kinda too long and I really needed to get rid of some of the damage I caused when I bleached it blonde NYE 2010 / 2011.  My hair was fine until December, when all of a sudden, it started acting weird when I washed and dried it.  It wouldn't do what I wanted and then I actually saw some of it melt when I was drying it!!!  So in January, I started looking for a new salon.  I didn't want to drive out to Arcadia anymore (good move as my old hair dresser just announced she's moving to Boston to help expand her church....huh?  I knew she was religious, but not THAT religious!).  I found this place on Yelp and it had great reviews.  So good in fact that I booked my appointment the same day I found it .  Anyway, slowly but surely (this was my second appointment), I'll get all of the bad hair cut off and my hair will be just damaged from coloring it every month and the bleach mess will be gone.  My hairdresser told me that the reason my hair was acting funny was that it finally said "I've had enough of your nonsense, I'm playing your games anymore".  She taught me a new way to dry my hair and spent about an hour asking me questions.  That's key.  You know someone knows what they're doing if you get a good consultation.  PLUS she listened to me!  Someone on this planet actually listened to me!  Bonus!!!!  
Well, I guess that's it for me for now.  I'm not sure when I'll blog again.  I hope I wasn't too much of a bummer.  I tried to lighten it up a bit at the end.  :-)

Robin
PS: If you're reading this CBLMW, I thought about you on your birthday and I hope you had a truly magical day.

The new year started out in a kind of surreal way.  I was sitting, reading email on my phone when it rang around 8am (which is weird, because it rarely rings).  Anyway, it was my dad, which was also weird, because he rarely calls me, I usually call him.  We went through the usual pleasantries, you know, wishing each other a happy new year, etc.  We chatted for about 10-15 minutes when he asked if I was sitting down.  I was, so he told me that one of my uncles had been killed at 12:55am that morning.

I was stunned.  I asked what had happened and was told that he'd been driving his motorcycle a ways ahead of his wife, on the 5FWY North and had just made it to the 134FWY interchange and ended-up crashing into the center divider.  His wife had been communicating with him somehow through their helmets (I don't know anything about that stuff, so I have no idea how it works) and all of a sudden everything went silent.  Pretty quickly after that she came upon the accident scene.

My first question to my dad was : "Why were they driving motorcycles at 12:55am on New Years"?  In my opinion, you shouldn't drive a motorcycle at that time (or really anything if possible) on New Years, St. Patrick's Day and Cinco De Mayo.  I guess they'd been at a party, were invited to stay the night, but declined and left to go home because one of them said they needed to be at work the next day.  Now I find that kind of a weird reason as 1) the next day was a Sunday and 2) it was New Years Day.  As far as I know (I could be wrong), both of them worked out of their home and had their own businesses.  I just don't see a valid reason for them to drive at that time.  What harm would a couple of hours have done?

As for what caused the accident?  It could have been anything.  He could have swerved to avoid something and lost control, he could have hit something, he could have been involved in a hit and run.  We don't know at this point.  I don't know if alcohol was involved, mechanical failure or driver error.

Anyway, it all kind of sucks.  My family is all about having feuds, so I haven't been in much contact with that uncle over the past, I don't know how many years.  I saw him at a birthday party and at a funeral, I think last year.  He was always nice to me, but his and his wife's treatment of my family right before and after my grandmother died was inexcusable.  All of that doesn't change the fact that he was family and I'm sad that he's gone and I'm sad that his wife had to come upon him like that.  No one should have to find their loved ones mangled up. No matter how I felt about her.  Which, if you know me at all, you know my feelings in regards to her. 

Since there was a multitude of feuds going on, I'm not sure if there will be a funeral service or anything.  Information is kind of thin on the ground at this point.  Mostly third hand news and conjecture.  I hope they have a funeral and I hope my dad goes.  I think he wants to.  It was his brother after all.

You know, I really never thought he'd be the first of my uncles to die.  A couple of the others had lead much more dangerous lives up to this point. 

I feel like I should be a bit more broken up about everything.  As I said, I'm sad that he died, especially in such a horrible way, but I haven't been overwhelmed by grief.  A friend of mine told me she thinks that I bottle up grief as a mechanism to deal with it.  I'm not so sure.  I do however, feel really guilty about it and I've been remembering the family parties and barbeque's from way back when I was a kid, before everyone grew up.  Well, some of them never grew up.  :-)  I hope this guilt goes away soon.  I really don't care that much for it. 

Anyway, I feel for his daughter and the people he was close to.

It's a reminder to me that life can be taken away at any time.  Something to think about.

Robin

I'm sitting in the Reno/Tahoe airport waiting for my flight back to LAX. I was supposed to land at 5pm, but the flight is delayed a little bit. Hopefully I will be home by 7pm. I've taken tomorrow off work, so at least I don't have to rush around when I finally do get home.

Christmas was nice. As usual, my parents were way too generous with the presents. I'm very grateful to have such wonderful parents. I only wish I could have gotten more into the holiday spirit. I tried, I really did, but I just couldn't shake this damn melancholia I've been stuck with for the last, oh I don't how long it's been. Bah.

On another note, I've decided to make a few changes at work. I need to find out what I can and cannot do, but I decided that I'm no longer going to kill myself to please people when, in the end, they just don't care and it doesn't make any difference anyway. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to do my job and I will continue to do it well, but I'm going to go about it in a different way.

I wonder what kind of damage Gotham did to the apartment while I was away? Did he try to eat my Christmas trees? Probably. 'Cause they're there.

Ack. The gate is starting to fill up. I have a good boarding position, but that's not for a while and it seems like all the passengers with kids are drawn to me and I'm surrounded!

I watched the Christmas Doctor Who episode. I liked it a lot, even got a little weepy. I miss the Christmas episodes involving battles over London, but I guess Moffat always goes in a different direction. Last year was off Earth as well.

I hope this entry doesn't jump around too much. Since I'm typing it on my phone, I don't have the option of going back and editing like I usually do.

Oh yeah, before I forget, if I didn't get you a Christmas card, I apologize. I got really sick the weekend before Christmas and was in bed just about until I left for Reno Thursday morning. I only sent out one card via the mail, and that's it. I didn't even get my parents cards. Don't even ask me about shopping, I didn't get any done. I feel really bad about that. REALLY BAD.

I can't wait for 2011 to come to a close. I'm hoping that all the crap that's happened over the last 14 months will finally be over. I have never had such a horrible time on all fronts. Not one aspect of my life was immune. Home, health, work, relationships, friendships, financial.... everything. I have to keep hope that things will turn out as they should, as I hope them to that is. I have done my best to deal with everything head on and I've tried to keep a good attitude. Fingers-crossed it pays off. A friend of mine, who has gone through her own nightmare this year, told me "Robin, you're a good person, you care about others, you always put everyone else's needs and feelings before your own. That will come back to you in ways you've never imagined". I almost started crying! Seriously. I dearly want things to go my way for once. It's been 14 months of everyone else getting ahead. 14 months I've been made to feel that I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, healthy enough, dedicated enough..... It has to come to an end soon, right?

Ok, I'm done with the "feeling sorry for myself" part of this entry. It's "suck it up Robin and just get on with it time". I don't usually have New Years Resolutions, but I think I will this year. For one, no matter how much it hurts, I'm going to try to get back into comics. I'm going to try and start painting again. I may even start back up with my writing. I put the paints and writing away a long time ago. I lost my confidence. Now I think I'm just going to do them purely to do them and the feeling I get when I create something. Maybe I will take a cooking class in a new kind of food I've never prepared before? Lot's to think about. I'll let you know what I decide on.

Oh hey- I saw the new Sherlock Holmes movie this weekend. The movie was good and Stephen Fry was sublime. I hope there's another one.

Shag's website is having a sale. Ah to dream if all the pieces I would buy if I could afford them. I might be able to replace all the Alex Ross prints I took down in February. I can't believe it's been that long! You shoul see what I put up in their place. I'll take a picture and post it here. It's an odd collection of photos, prints, pictures, etc. All carefully chosen to cover all the holes and damaged I caused hanging the Ross prints. :-) I'm not very good at hanging pictures. You need two people I guess.

Well, I'm off to get away from these babies and the girl next to me eating Cheetos with her mouth open.

Good Times.

Thanks for everything you guys. I know I don't say it enough, but I appreciate you all.

Robin

BAH, these winds have kicked-up my allergies and I'm miserable.  I tried going in to work this morning (when the dumb, yet really cool gusts were at their height), but bailed after about 45 minutes.  Since it was still early, I was able to get the same parking space I vacated earlier..... where there are no trees or structures to fall on my car, should the winds start up again.

I can never get used to being home during the day when I should be at work.  Gotham doesn't seem to mind my being home though (as he just walked in, jumped up and plonked himself next to me).  At least someone cares, even if it is my cat.  Here he is (below).  The photos are a little washed out because the sun was shining through the window and I used my phone.  He's still handsome though.

It's been a few weeks since I blogged, but there hasn't been much going on.  The holidays have been quiet and uneventful so far.  Is that good a good thing or a bad thing?  I don't know. 

Work has been really busy.  Still in the internal audit mode.  Being out today is going to set me back a little on what I need to do this week, but I'll manage.

Man, I'm bored.  There's not much to do around here, apart from normal chores and I don't think those will help my allergies.  I guess I could glue the hand back on to the musical Frank Sinatra Christmas ornament I have.  I wonder what kind of glue I should use?  He looks weird without one of his hands and it's creepy to see a disembodied hand holding sheet music sitting on my shelf.

Wow, I'm uninteresting today!  Should I even mention that I have to walk over to CVS after 3pm to pick up a couple of prescription refills?  I'm not sure I'll be able to handle the excitement.

What's on TV today?  At least this time (unlike my last sick day) I have TV to watch.  In fact, my crappy TV in here died a few weeks ago, so I had to get a new one.  It's bigger than the other one and it's flat,  but, to be honest-- I liked the picture on the old one better.  It was a good set!  It lasted 10 years and cost more than the one I just bought.

Well, back to the boredom and checking my Ebay auctions.  Don't be too jealous.

Happy birthday daddy, I love you!

I remember when I used to get my dad's birthday off work. Boy, those days are long gone.

I was given a couple of really good tickets to see "Vigil" tomorrow night, but everyone I asked is busy over the holiday weekend (I'm sensing a trend). I don't want to go solo, so if you would like a pair of tickets, (free) or if you would like to go, let me know. Olympia Dukakis and Marco Barricelli are in it. Should be good.

*UPDATE* I didn't want the hasslw ir stress of unloading the tickets so I returned the tickets to my friend. Since they've been a subscriber for eons, they're going to see if they can change the date.

Typing this on my phone is very arduous. Bah.