This last week was tough. Lot’s of tears, especially at work. As you all know, I get to the office at about 4:20-4:30am so I’m the only one there for the first couple of hours. Being there, in the quiet pre-dawn hours right outside my bosses now unoccupied office is really hard. Then there were the meetings talking about him and the loss. Having to see usually stoic and strong men break down because of his passing was even more difficult. Then the bad work news started coming in.
Our office is now going to be under an ineffective boob who doesn’t know up from down. Everyone is aware of this, so the change was unexpected. He asked me to lunch next week (it was in the subject line of an empty email…that’s a pet peeve of mine), but I met with him in his office instead. “Hey! You don’t have to buy me lunch, what’s up?”. (Btw- dude sent the email from his phone, even though he was in the office with his computer on and email up, WHAT??).
I think a little background here would help. I was hired to work with three different people, I ended up helping my boss because I just happened to get along with him really well and I sat within shouting distance. I was happy to do it. For him. I think some people believe I had a different role than I really did and I’m worried it’s going to be expected with the new guy. I was hired for account/client work, not the extra executive and recruiting stuff I was doing. I would happily give up all the extra meetings and work.
So, I went to new manager dudes office (to get out of the lunch). When I met with him, I started to get a familiar feeling I haven’t had since I worked with that abusive boss years ago. He wouldn’t look me in the eye, asked me questions but discounted my responses, asked me to do things I told him I didn’t think I could do. My Fitbit heart monitor started going crazy. My blood pressure and heart rate are usually very low, so that never happens. If he was situationally aware, he would have noticed it flashing and heard the buzzing, but he didn’t. He just looked off to the side of my head and said “so go ahead and email me those numbers”. Fuck me. By the way, this guy saw all of us crying at the passing and and when it was asked if anyone had anything to say, he actually said in two different meetings “I didn’t really know the guy, but it looks like from all of you he was a good guy”. WTF??!!?? Men and women were BAWLING and you say that??? You worked with him for almost three years! Maybe if you came into the office or picked up a phone, you would have known him.
Then I went back to my desk and a co-worker came to me and out of the blue asked if I knew my ex-boss (the monster). He knew I did, but forgot. Now, I don’t badmouth people to just anyone, our business is a small community and word gets around if you talk shit to just anyone, so I made a few vanilla comments and tried to change the subject. Then he says he could call him and go to lunch at any time. He talked about how he’s a good friend and how he really pushed for him to get hired before they hired the other guy. Inside I freaked out. I started shaking. I normally consider myself pretty strong, but I’m not right now. I lost my friend, mentor and to some extent, protector and now this?
My anxiety level is at a point I haven’t felt for 9 years. I don’t know if I can do this. I love my job so much. Our clients, my co-workers, my crazy hours, all of it. These changes are ruining all of that.
Add to all that stuff, it was suggested I reach out to my bosses widow. I’m happy to do it, but the day I was asked was the day my cards were delivered to her and the family, so I thought it would seem weird. I always had a good relationship with her, so it wasn’t like I was some stranger, but still. Another day would have been better. Luckily, I got her voicemail and left a message. She reached back out to me on Friday and just broke my heart all over again. After texting back and forth a bit, we left it that we would call each other if we needed a shoulder to cry on. The funeral isn’t until the end of September, that’s a long way off.
I’ve talked with a couple of folks on my team and they’re going to try to run interference for me. I’ve also reached out to another manager that has had to assume some of the things my boss used to do and offered to help him out since I’m familiar with protocol and the candidates he’s now working with. He’s a kind person who was very close to my boss and I’m hoping if I’m helping him, they won’t have me help the new guy. Hopefully this doesn’t blow up in my face.
Things have to get better. I don’t want to quit.
