First off, let me say that I got dates mixed-up in my last post. Since I've enacted a total media blackout, I didn't know that the convention is next week, not this week. Doesn't really change much though. There are other contributing factors to this mood / emotional state.

This week saw, what would have been, my sister's 48th birthday. I wasn't close to her by any means, but I call my parents every year on that date. We don't talk about her or anything, I just make sure to call and touch base. It does, however, make you think about things and wonder how much different our family would have been had there been a positive relationship between her and the family.

There are others issues at play this time of year as well, but it's too much to go into now.

I was asked about the vague SDCC mention in my last post. Okay, the reasons I'm not able to go:

1) I'm not really in a head space where I can go and see people I used to know or sit in on panels. I used to love nothing more than reading comics and going to Comic Con every year. I allowed that to change. My fault completely and I'm still hopeful that things will go back to how they used to be, it will just take time (yes I know it's already been a long fucking time, but I never said I was on a normal schedule, right?).

2) I can't fucking go because a few years ago, as a result of something I'm not going to go into here, I returned the ticket I'd stood in line for over 8 hours to purchase. Now, you don't have a chance of getting tickets unless you attended the previous year, so, as I missed a year, I'm not able to get a pass unless someone gives/sells me one. It's a messed-up system.

So that's it. I'm allowed to be emotional once a year, right?  I will try not to think about San Diego (and I hope my friends won't mention it) but if I do, I will be sending good thoughts to SDCC and wishing everyone a good time.  If anyone reading this is going, have a wonderful time! If you're up for any awards, I hope you beat your competition to a pulp (get it? Pulp? No? It's a publishing joke...ah forget it).

Sorry for the cussing.

For the past three years these next few July days have been hard for me.

Everything starts Wednesday (today) and ends Sunday. I wish I was able to go, like I did for so, so many years, but I can't. :-(

I'm trying to keep my mind off it and I'm avoiding all possible news stories, but there's always some well-meaning friend who forgets that I can no longer go and they ask me my plans.  I don't want to be a jerk, so I just say "I don't go anymore, I wish I could, but I can't". I try to keep it short, succinct and friendly, it's hard though.